he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
