my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Are we still banned from the library?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize