dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
