You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
