you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize