What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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