I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
