it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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