this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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