this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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