the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
