Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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