Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
