I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
