I wish I only lived at night.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
