You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i think my cat just said my name.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
