you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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