hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
