Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You are a genius and a whore.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
