If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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