just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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