I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
