I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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