We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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