She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
