he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
