i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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