I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize