I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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