After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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