I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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