Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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