Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
