Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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