i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
