I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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