it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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