Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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