Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
