She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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