I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
