i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
