My sheets look like a crime scene.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
