I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
