Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
