It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
