It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
