I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
