I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
