fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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