I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
