Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
