I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
