I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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