How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
