her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
