So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
