It's Friday. Sex?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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