the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
