i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
