Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize