and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
