i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
